This Is It
by Flightlessbird13
Summary: "This is going to be the last time I ever see you, isn't it?" The final days before the wedding. Bella starts to think about the reality of making a boy the center of her universe. Disclaimer: I own none of these original characters. Reader input is welcome.
1. Chapter 1

Note from the author: do me a favor. Before you start to read this story, change the font to Helvetica, change the page with to ½, and make the font a little smaller. I hate the default view.

Edward wouldn't stay with me the night before the wedding. I was drowning in anxiety, but he was clearly content and ready for what lied ahead.

"It's tradition, Bella. You know how I feel about this. And besides, we don't need anymore bad luck," he had explained, smiling. "Imagine: the next time we set eyes on each other we'll be becoming husband and wife." He looked so prideful from that thought and I didn't want to let him down.

I had stopped flinching at our future titles after what seemed like endless weeks of planning. Of course I wanted to be bound to Edward, but I couldn't grip the fear that came from thinking of being held down to the man I love more than anything. _I love you but together forever makes it too hard to breathe._ Those two thoughts and feelings didn't make sense and shouldn't have coincided yet they did…inside of me. I could never tell him. I wouldn't explain that to him, even if I had been capable of understanding it for myself.

With a soft kiss at my door, Edward left for the night.


	2. Chapter 2

I was home by myself. Charlie had to work the night shift at the station so I had no distractions to occupy my mind. I walked up the stairs to my room—the last night it would be mine. It hadn't actually been lived in for some weeks now since I spent all my time with Edward and his family. It still held most of my belongings, but there were few signs of life. I picked up the only item out of place, a lonely sock near my bed, and brought it to my dresser.

The framed photos decorating the top of the dresser caught my eye. The first one was of Charlie and I, not too long after I had moved here. We were clearly still learning to live with each other; the photographed Bella and Charlie stood awkwardly, with smiles too enthused to be real.

"_I wonder how he's been doing without me,"_ I thought, heavy with guilt. I hadn't been around lately to cook or clean or take care of him. Charlie never said that he needed those things from me, but before I moved in he had shown the clear signs bachelorhood: wrinkled collared shirts and empty pizza boxes. He had probably reverted back to his pre-Bella days…and that didn't sit well with me.

The other framed photos were mostly ridiculous candid shots of my school friends. Mike, Jessica, Angela, Eric and so on…all goofing around with big smiles (besides Jessica, though there was no surprise there). I had missed several of Angela and Mike's calls a few weeks ago. It only then occurred to me that I had never gotten back to either of them nor had they tried getting a hold of me since. _"They must have given up on me," _I realized, with yet another wave of guilt. How had I been so vacant from my own life without being aware of it?

Edward. Edward and the Cullens affected me in that way. Their perception of time and priority were different from humans. It was understandable considering they would live forever and not age a single day. When Edward was with me, I was completely wrapped into our own world together. The only thing that mattered was him and that we were together. It enveloped me, heart and soul. To my complete embarrassment, it was no one's fault but my own. He wasn't to blame for me not just making him the center of my universe, but the only thing that existed in it.

_"Is this who I've become?" _ These thoughts had vaguely found me before; when Edward left to go hunt with him family and I attempted to fall asleep alone. Most of my life had turned out so far from however I thought it would be (i.e. monsters from the movies are real) that I didn't see my own self becoming this. I was unrecognizable.

But I had an excuse-maybe being vacant now would hurt everyone less later on. I was going to become a vampire soon after the wedding. As a newborn, I'd never be able to see anyone I had ever loved from my old life again. I would kill them; uncontrollably rip them to shreds to satisfy by blood lust. For their safety, I had to give them all up. Everyone; Charlie…Renee…my school friends…and of course—oh god, of course—Jacob.

Tears were freely flowing down my face while I held the last photo in my hands: a framed Polaroid of Jake and I at the beach in La Push. He held the camera towards us, one arm playfully around my shoulders, while I attempted to shield my face, though it was easy to see the smile I wore through my fingers. The photo was from another lifetime. In a few short weeks, those two best friends would be natural enemies. If I ever saw Jake again after that, he would likely kill me. That thought caused me to shiver from a coldness I felt deep in my bones.

"Bella," came a voice from the window. Startled, the frame slipped from my hands and landed with the sound of glass cracking on the floor. I knew that voice.


	3. Chapter 3

Thank you to everyone taking the time to read my first fan fiction. Any comments or reviews you can give me would be great. Good or bad.

"Jacob!" I stood there in shock before finally walking over to unlock the screen. "What are you doing here?"

As he climbed into my room I backed away again. I could see the heavy slouch in his shoulders, the deep dark circles under his eyes. His exhaustion made him look even older than when the shifting aged him. His boyishness was a memory.

"Bella, I need you to come with me tonight. Right now." He was so focused, I didn't know if this was a plea or demand. Even though it nearly broke my heart to see him in this state, it felt good to be near him after so long. I knew that guilt would soon follow. It took me a moment to realize I had been staring at him for too long without giving him a reply.

"Come with you? Jake, I can't. Tomorrow…I'm getting ma—"

"I know what tomorrow is," he firmly cut me off. He closed his eyes and inhaled. "Everything is going to change after that." When he opened his eyes again they found mine for the first time since he climbed into my room. The tenseness in his face seemed to ease, his brow slightly less creased. "Bella, have you been crying," he asked softly.

"N-no. I mean…" it made me nervous the way he stared at me so intensely. "Yes, I was, but I'm fine now." I hastily wiped the corner of my eyes. I _was_ fine now.

Jacob finally took his eyes off of me to look down near my feet. Before I realized what he was looking at, he had taken the two strides that separated us and bent down to pick up the frame. He turned it over in one large had. The glass was broken; bits of it remained on the floor. He stared at the photograph of us for a while without a word.

For just a brief moment, I thought I saw a smile about to emerge, but then it was gone.

"_What I would give to see that radiant, infectious smile again."_ He set the frame down at its place on my dresser and turned back towards the window.

"Please come with me tonight. Then I'll let you go, Bella. I will. This will never happen again, I swear." His words were weighted, heavy with pain and…loss. Jacob was pleading.

_"Jake, what have I done to you?" _ I longed to reach out to him, to comfort him the way he so simply comforted me when Edward left. But that would only make this worse.

"Enough now. Come. Please." His stare had shifted to my hands. Without realizing it, they were raised slightly toward him, giving away exactly what I had been thinking. And Jacob knew.

"Alright." I couldn't fight him. From the moment he entered my room his smell was all around me. Jacob always smelled like a blend of the woods and beach. I was overpowered by the memories of our friendship…and of the kiss.

He approached me and, without hesitation, scooped me into his arms and braced me tightly. The familiarity of our proximity to each other was overpowering. I had missed Jacob every day since he left, but being close to him like that made me suddenly aware of how enormous his absence had been. Though we were touching nearly skin to skin, I wanted him closer.

I forgot my terror of heights as we jumped out into the night.


	4. Chapter 4

Even as a human, Jacob moved in a new speed and his steps never faltered. He was far more agile than I remembered. _"What has he been doing all this time?" _I didn't know where we were headed, but he didn't say a word and I couldn't manage to break the silence between us. After few more wordless moments, he made an abrupt stop. We were at his desired destination.

Jacob gently set me down and by the time my two feet had touched the ground I knew where we were. He turned away from me while I gathered our familiar surroundings. The brightness of the giant full moon overhead cast a soft white glow over the nearby treetops. To the other side, black water gently hit against the wall of rock down below. It would've been a beautiful, breathtaking sight under normal circumstances, but this exact spot was claimed by my past. We were at the cliff I had jumped from nearly a year ago.

This was the first time I thought back on that day; life afterward escalated so quickly. I was supposed to be waiting for Jake, but my desire for recklessness took over and I leapt while he was busy chasing the very vampire that was hunting me.

I was thankful for my choice because it reunited Edward and I, but deep down, I regretted it for changing Jacob's life, too. Edward wouldn't have thought I was dead. Alice wouldn't have seen the fall – she wouldn't have seen anything at all about me, not with Jake nearby. We would've taken the plunge together.

When I looked back, Jacob had turned, staring hard at me with his brow wrinkled into a frown. His black hair had grown shaggy and wild in the few months he was away. He even had a rough beard forming. He looked so much older than me, and I recalled, with some shame, how often I would push our insignificant age difference in his face. We were teenagers, but far from children after what we'd both been through over the last year.

The most drastic difference in his appearance was the way he carried himself. He was physically stronger than before, that much was clear, but he appeared injured without any visible wounds. It was in the way his usually proud shoulders slacked that told me he was fighting inside. There was a raging storm in him, terrible to witness. I didn't know when he was going to come out the other side.


	5. Chapter 5

Note from author: thank you all so much for reading and for your reviews! I'm going to start updating a little more frequently because I have a few new stories in my head that I'd like to get out soon. I'm still working on the direction I want this one to take.

Thank you for your support so far and please keep on giving me reviews!

Chapter 5

"I ran as long as I could," he roughly whispered. "I ran for days to get away from Forks and La Push. My legs and lungs burned. My paws were bloody because I couldn't rest, never allowing them to heal. I could hear the pack begging me to stop, but I couldn't." His words were low as he looked at his hands, yet gained disdain. "I was running away from you."

I started to tremble. All I ever wanted was for him to be happy even if that meant without me. And I was the cause of his agony. I hugged myself to keep together.

"_After tomorrow I'll be leaving him forever."_ It was the best I could do for him. I wondered how he could face me now; he had to feel betrayed. Maybe that was why he brought me up there, to punish me with his pain before being rid of me.

Suddenly, with his animal speed, he tore me from my darkened thoughts when he locked me into his arms in a tight embrace. I wasn't expecting this. Not after I witnessed what was going on inside him. But then again, this was Jake; he was never quite what I expected.

His arms were warm and strong: my powerful personal sun. I was heating up, but it wasn't just his body temperature; it was simply knowing he was this close again. It was as if he had never left—or if I had never left him. Jake was my comfort, he always felt like home. Even if he hated me after everything I had done, right then I was home.

"I want you to have the greatest life possible. I want you to be happy and loved and taken care of as long as you live," he said softly into my hair. He moved his hands down my arms and gently pulled me away from him, but held me in place.

"This time I'm not lying, Bella. I would die to be with you. I couldn't run from you, as much as I tried. You're it for me; the end of the road. So tell me what I'm supposed to do and I'll do it."

I knew he wasn't done yet and there was nothing I could possibly say anyway. His eyes were searching too deep within me. It took all of my pride and strength not to look away. His grip on my arms tightened.

"I'll be miserable without you—probably forever, sure. But I'll go through it. I'll always want you. But if you love me, Bella, even….even a tiny bit, how can you throw me away? How can you marry him knowing you ended this beautiful thing between us before it began?"

Jacob knew everything without any mind reading powers. I had asked myself those exact questions in the late hours as Edward held me. I had convinced myself long ago that he was the only choice I ever needed, that I loved him so much more.

"_Who am I kidding? I haven't been whole since Edward left and shattered me._" My heart and soul were split into pieces that didn't fully belong to anyone.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter 6

"What happened with the whole King Salomon speech? You said you wouldn't split me, remember?" I pulled away from him. I was angry, and nearing panic. I knew I wasn't on solid ground from the very beginning, but hearing Jacob's feelings out in the open pulled whatever stability I had left from under me.

He took a step away, crossing his arms. His features hardened and tired again. "If that's how you're feeling then that's not my doing. You're hurting yourself over and over again. I've been able to see your pain for so long, Bella. It's as if it were my own. So I know when you feel it." He took yet another step back and suddenly I could feel the chill wind coming from the ocean.

Jacob shut his eyes and brushed both his large hands through his hair with a heavy exhale. "I'm trying to help you put yourself back together. If you can be whole with him forever then you will never have to see me again."

He opened his eyes and stared straight into mine. I started shivering yet again. "I've decided we can't be friends. It just wouldn't work. And the same goes for me, too. If you find yourself in me, if you see what I see when I look at you, you can never see Cullen again. There's no more having your cake and eating it, too. That's not fair. " He crossed his arms and turned towards the bluffs to await my answer.

Rage fired up inside of me. _This isn't one of his pack meetings—this is my entire life!_ I knew I was getting carried away, but running away with my anger felt better than standing still with a choice I couldn't make.

"How dare you give me a speech on choices! On what's fair or unfair. You said you could see my pain—it's because I made my choice! And someone always loses. Do you think I want that? And to actually lose either of you forever—I can't do this, Jake. This is too much. I'm not t-trying to be selfish. The way you think of me is inf-furiating!" The frigid winds were catching up to me. Mixed with my anger, I couldn't control that shaking and the stammering. I was going to burst into bits in the night air at any moment.

"You're infuriating—and stubborn," Jacob quickly added, taking a step closer to me. "But I can handle it. I can deal with you." _How reassuring, he can DEAL with me._ "You know you and I can get through anything together. We'll get through all of this. Just-just choose me!"

He put one of his large hands on top of mine. It was warm, and incredibly comforting. I started to calm down as I looked up at him. _What have I ever done to deserve such love? _I couldn't find a reason. In truth, I had never treated him fairly. I found one excuse or another to dismiss is affection for me. There was always Edward, or he was too young for me, or we were just friends. It was all such a sad, sad joke.

As if he could read my mind and was burned from my thoughts, he quickly pulled his hand away from me.

"Quit being stupid already. You and I both know that even if you did marry that blood-sucker, you'd never go through with it; giving up your family and friends for some disgusting—for some guy. You're not giving up anything with me. Just a bunch of…of monsters…that should've died a long time ago."

I wasn't going to let him get away with being such a hypocrite. He may not use blood to survive, but he was just as supernatural as the Cullens.

"And what are you exactly? Just a human with too much fuzz? Jacob, what big teeth you have," I said in feigned horror. "That's the worst thing you've ever said. You're the one speaking like a monster. And I don't talk to monsters." I had just about enough.

"Bella," he looked me straight in the eyes, with a surprising half smile," at the end of this conversation…I'm going to kiss you, no matter what you want to call me. And no matter what you decide tomorrow, I'm going to love you until the day you die. And long after you do."


	7. Note to my wonderful readers

Hello, my lovely followers and readers!

I'm so happy that you're all enjoying my first "published" story so far. I get excited with every notification I get about my story being added to a favorite list or new follower I get. You're all the best.

What I would love is to hear even more from you. Where do you think this story is going? What would you like to see happen? What is working for the story? What isn't? Good or bad, I'd love a more open conversation with you all, whether you're readers or fellow writers.

Thank you so much, with love,  
Flightlessbird13 (previously cantbreath13)


	8. Chapter 7

Chapter 7

Had he gone completely insane? It seemed like the more worked up I was, the calmer he became. His boyish cockiness was maddening, but this was what I had missed. With Jacob, everything was out in the open, even when it was reckless. He didn't tell me what I wanted to hear and I doubt he could've sugar coated to save his life. This – this Jacob, was the strong one that I knew. And loved so much.

"Jake…this is going to be the last time I ever see you, isn't it?" That was the question I had felt sinking inside of me from the moment he entered my bedroom. This night was borrowed time.

"I wouldn't know about that. There's still plenty of time left for you to make that choice you keep avoiding." He held my hand and fingered the giant yet elegant engagement ring on my finger. I had finally started wearing it just a week ago to make Edward happy and to prove to myself that I wasn't getting cold feet. Only the latter didn't seem to have an effect.

"But I've made my choice." I tried to say it with a tone of finality as I took my hand back. I had to stay strong. "_You can't show your doubt, not now. You can do this, girl." _Any glimmer of hope would build him up and the outcome would most assuredly crush him. I had done enough to Jake already.

His husky laugh took me by surprise. He had on his large, radiant smile, the first I'd seen in weeks, showing off his dazzling white teeth.

"You've never been able to lie to me, Bells. You're not good at it. I can see you. Honey, I still know you."

I looked down as a smile of my own broke my poker face. Jake's smile always had a way of breaking people, no matter the seriousness of the situation. Again, he was completely maddening.

"I think it's time I take you back before you freeze. I'd give you my jacket, but…" I let out a small laugh. Jake rarely wore more than shorts in the forest and had little use for any jacket. "Come here, please." He held his arms out for me, in his bare-chested, grizzly glory. He looked at me with gentle, adoring eyes as he waited for me.

I took the step into him, crossing the threshold into the safety and warmth of my home. Before I could fully embrace him, he brushed his hand into my hair, then slowly to the nape of my neck. He tilted my head up gently as he came down to meet me. I could smell his sweet, warm breath and in that moment I was more present in my existence than I had been in so long. Before I could think to feign a form of protest, his full lips found their destination, softly on top of mine.

This was the kissed he had promised me. Our conversation was over.


	9. Chapter 8

To my readers: Thank you for sticking with me. I know I write short chapters, but I hope the content speaks for itself on how hard I work for you and the story I'm trying to tell. Enjoy, and I love and appreciate you all. xoxo

Chapter 8

The next morning came aggressively. I woke up at first light after thrashing for hours in a half-sleep. In my vague dreams I ran through the trees; I smelled the ocean and sand; I burned as the sun. I discovered my dark sheets covered in cold sweat. I sat up in my bed, but I wasn't ready to rise. Instead I remained there for a time, looking out my window at the tree just outside. The morning light changed and passed against its branches as the early morning slowly disappeared.

_"__This is the last morning I'll be Bella Swan in her bedroom." _I had barely embraced that this was the last time I'd witness this simple, personal view when there was a knock on my door. Alice was here to pick me up.

Hours later, after a morning of relaxation and pampering (all directed by the unrelenting force that was my future sister-in-law), I was primped and polished. In my grey silk robe, I looked in the mirror to see the result of Alice's committed work.

The hour-long massage followed by a steamy bubble bath and manicure and pedicure had done magic. Even for my lack of sleep, I was rejuvenated, glowing with light and energy. My skin was bright and healthy. The delicate make up accentuated the size of my eyes and hid away whatever was left of the dark circles that had been with me for months. My hair was gently pulled back into braids and a fancy yet messy bun. I had to admit to myself, I looked beautiful. Even in my robe, I suddenly felt like a queen. My confident reflection beamed back at me. _"I should treat myself like this more often."_

"What do you think? Do you love it?" Alice had entered the room silently. "I tried not to stray too far from your style, but I thought this look fit your special day."

"I love it, Alice. You've really outdone yourself. That masseuse you hired took literal weight off of my shoulders," I smiled.

"I can tell, I don't know if I've ever seen you stand this straight," she said, pleased with her work. "You look absolutely breathtaking. Edward is going to want to whisk you off to the honeymoon immediately."

The honeymoon. We were flying off tonight after the reception on a private plane that Carlisle had reserved for us. Tonight. Little did my friends or family know that their send off would be our final farewell.

"Bella?" I guess I had been in my own thoughts for a bit too long. "Hey, it's about time we get your dress on," she coaxed.

"Yeah, let's do it," I gave her a reassuring smile.

After some wiggling, pulling, and fastening of what felt like a thousand buttons, the dress was on. It was silk and lace, the color of cream, with sleeves down to my wrists.

"Oh my god," Alice gasped. She looked like she was about to cry.

"Aw, Alice," I came to her with a hug.

"You're perfect," she said as we parted, with a tear in her eye, "and I'm just so excited for you to be my sister."

"We've…we've been sisters since the day we met, Alice. I can never thank you enough for all that you've done for me." I held onto her hand. I could never repay her for her warmth and kindness in welcoming me into this otherworldly family.

We stood there holding hands with smiles and tears when suddenly she sniffed the air harshly. With a look of disgust she let go of my hand and was quickly at the window.

"It _smells_ like you have a visitor," she said, rolling her eyes. "You would think he'd have the decency to use the front door like a proper guest."

I rushed to her side by the window and looked out. Yards away, I could just make out tan skin in a white collared shirt walking through the trees. Jacob.

"He's not exactly a "proper guest"," I said mostly to myself. "I don't think he's here to stay," I said a little louder to Alice. She looked at him and then, hesitantly, to me.

"Make it quick," she said nodding her head, knowingly. "Everyone is ready for you."

She walked out the door as I slipped on my sneakers.


	10. Chapter 9

I apologize for the inconsistency in my chapter lengths. Some scenes start to mean more to me than others.

Chapter 9

"You came," I whispered in disbelief. Trudging through the forest in a wedding dress with my lack of grace had been slightly treacherous, but I had finally met Jacob among the trees.

"Yeah, I'm here. I guess I needed to see this for myself." He stood tall, with his hands in his pockets. He was dressed in a white collared shirt, slightly wrinkled, with the sleeves rolled, and black dress pants and shoes. His hair was clean, but he hadn't shaved. He looked both out of place and comfortable in the wild green landscape. He appeared steadier than last night, but his eyes were his undoing. The way he looked at me made me start to regret coming out to meet him. I'd never seen anyone filled with more admiration and what could only be complete devastation.

"You don't have t—," I started, after a long pause.

"You look beautiful, Bells," he cut in, almost cheerfully. How I wish he wouldn't have said anything. His forced optimism nearly knocked me to my knees.

"Thank you…I haven't uh-I haven't seen myself yet. With the dress and all, I mean."

"Well, you look…you look like you're ready to take on the whole damn world," he said softly. The look he gave me; it empowered me and tore me apart. I didn't know what to say. Luckily, he was the first to break yet another long pause. "I already know I look fantastic. I even took the bike here, just so I could show up in, you know, clothes."

"Clothes were a very nice touch," I smiled. "Why are you walking through the woods then?"

"I wasn't sure about…and I didn't want…_them _to be able to smell me just yet." He looked away from me, to his own feet, ashamed. "I uh-I was going to come by later…after the whole thing, maybe cut in on a dance, but I don't think I'm going to make it."

"You don't need to be here, Jake. Really." I couldn't believe he was here at all. Edward had sent that invitation, and though he defended his decision, it still felt like a twisted joke. I fidgeted with my engagement ring, unable to bite at my freshly manicured nails.

"_Of course_ I don't. I was actually strongly advised not to come, if you can believe that. But how else am I going to get to dance with my favorite girl?" He offered his hand out to me.

"There's no music," I pointed out. "_Is he crazy?"_

The thought must of read on my face because he let out a little laugh. And then there it was; the overcast clouds I had been living under were suddenly lifted; there was a beautiful, bright, and brilliant Jacob Black smile, just for me.

"I don't care, Bells," he said, amused, as he impatiently picked me up with one arm around my waist and twirled me effortlessly. When I reached the ground we settled into a slow, steady rhythm; the only type of dancing I could handle. We swayed just like that for a while, among the trees to the sound of the woods, with my head on his shoulder and our hands clasped together.

"Stealing the first dance, how bold of you, Mr. Black," I said playfully against his shoulder. I had forgotten myself and where we were. I felt momentarily drunk off of contentment.

"I think I've proven that I can be very bold, Ms. Swan," he said with a cocky smirk that I could just see from the corner of my eye. I felt my cheeks grow warm as the kiss from last night was perfectly pictured in my mind. Jake chuckled gently as he pulled back to look down at me. He brought one large hand up to stroke my cheek. He took in a deep breath and held his hand to my face and only looked at me for a while.

"If I were bolder," he started, breaking the silence, "I'd throw you on the back of the bike and get the hell out of here." I nestled into his warm hand. My own personal sun. "God, I'm going to miss this blush," he whispered. "How can he stand to take it from you?"

"Jacob," a tear was running down my cheek as I stepped away, "you've got to go. This only has to be hard for one of us today." More tears were going to follow. I couldn't even look at him. "Let me go, please."

Jacob's demeanor suddenly changed. Our momentary bliss as just Bella &amp; Jacob was gone. His hands were on his sides and he began to pace. When he looked up at me, the intensity of his furious, wolfish glare made me instinctively want to run for the house.

"Do you even listen to yourself? I mean really listen. If it's that hard for you then how can you go through with this?" He gave out a bitter, joyless laugh. "This is the one—the _one _and only thing I haven't been able to understand about you. Am I crazy, or don't you think you should be sure about this, at least an _hour_ before the big "I do"?"

I resisted my fight or flight instincts and stood my ground. "I am sure, Jake," I said, as I tried to gather my strength.

"Then why is this so god damn hard for you?" He yelled.

"Because of what I'm going to lose," I met his volume, "because of what I'll be giving up!"

"Yeah, your life, your heartbeat, your—"

"—yes, yes that's right! All of it! And you."

Without either of us realizing, we had both taken steps in toward each other throughout our argument. My blood was pumping; I could feel my heart beating so heavily against my chest that Jacob could probably hear it. He could only stare, shocked for a moment, before he finally shook his head.

"I can't listen to this anymore. I can't. It's destroying me. If you can say that out loud and mean it and then go _marry_ him…Goodbye, Bella." He turned around and started walking.

_"__Goodbye? Did he just say goodbye to me? But there's so much left to say!" _I wasn't finished yet. I didn't want to be finished. Before I could make a move he stopped abruptly. With his back to me, he stood motionless for almost a minute. It took two large strides and half a second for him to cross our distance and wrap his arms around me in a full embrace. It took me by surprise and I couldn't find words.

"Thank you for the invite, but I can't. I'm sorry." He pulled back just a little and stared down at me with resolve. "I love you," he whispered. I was already silently crying when our lips collided as we shared our last goodbye. It was deep, warm, and final.


	11. Chapter 10

Chapter 10

I don't remember much about the slow walk back into the house, but I had waited in the woods long enough to watch him go. Before I knew it, I was in the makeshift dressing room with the door locked behind me, wandering towards the full-length mirror.

"_You're 18 years old, Bella. What are you doing?"_ I didn't have an answer. I felt lost in a fog again. There was something about the dress. I just stood there, my eyes never leaving it for what felt like hours. I wanted to be the girl who deserved to stand there in that dress; the girl who couldn't wait for her future to start with the man of her dreams. I wanted that so badly I physically ached. Because I finally had to admit that I was not that girl. And I had no idea what kind of girl I was anymore, not that I had much of a handle on that before. I met my own eyes and noticed that, besides some puffiness, the waterproof makeup Alice used had done its job. Jacob had told me I looked like a queen, and though I may have looked the part, what I saw was a spoiled child playing dress up. I was going to walk down the stairs to my wedding and no one would know that anything was amiss. No one would know that I was pulled apart and terrified of my decision. No one would know that just moments ago my best friend had his arms around me; his left hand slowly running up my side until he held my face in his hand as he kissed me hard enough to break my heart.

Suddenly, my hands were at the back of my neck, clawing at the pearl buttons of the dress. I couldn't breathe; my fingers weren't undoing the delicate buttons fast enough. I started to pull. The pearls hit the hard wood floors with brief, loud snaps before rolling away.

Soundlessly, Alice gently grabbed my wrists and brought them to my side. The previously locked door behind her stood wide open.  
"Bella," her eyes were darting all over me, searching for any other damage to the dress no doubt. "What are you doing? Are you alright?"

"I can't breathe! Please, I need to t-take this off," I said, unable to hide the panic in my voice. "I need your help!"

She looked down at me with concern. She still held my wrists to my side as she led me to the dressing room chair. "I can hear your heart racing, Bella. Just take a couple of deep breaths for me."

I attempted to do what she told me, but my breaths came out quick and ragged. Out of nowhere she produced a bottle of water and placed one ice-cold hand on my forehead.

"You're having a panic attack, you'll be fine in a moment. Clear your head and keep breathing," she said, mothering me. After a while, I successfully took in one strong breath, and then another. The bottle of water shook in my hand as I brought it to my lips.

"I-I can't go through with this," I whispered, stunned by my final realization. There was a pause in the air between the two of us. All I could do was look at the tiny, white pearls that had rolled away along the dark wood floors. Genuine pearls, taken from the ocean, sown onto a wedding dress, thrown carelessly to the floor. I was taking apart everything beautiful, piece by piece.

"Everyone gets nervous on their wedding day, Bella. It's perfectly normal." She tried to be reassuring, but there was tenseness is her voice.

"This isn't just nerves. I can't keep calling it that anymore," I said, shaking my head. I didn't quite feel in control of what I was saying, but somewhere deep inside, it felt right. I wasn't getting married. I couldn't pretend anymore.

"Is this because of Jacob?" She questioned with some agitation. "What did that mutt do to you?"

"I wish I could say it was…that would make much more sense," I answered honestly. "He wanted me to get on his bike and leave with him…I obviously didn't. But I can't walk down the aisle today, either."

She was quiet for a while. "I knew you were struggling with all of this. Your…your future has been changing for months. I expected it. I'm sorry that I didn't tell you. I've been selfish."

"Being a part of your family is the only thing I've ever wanted so badly. I love you all and I never-never expected to love anyone as much as I love Edward. Up until now…I thought I'd die without him. But I…I've been slowly dying with him," I felt the tears ready. "I can't keep giving up my life for us to work. I've completely lost myself."

The room was filled to the ceiling with the words I had never said out loud before. I had been too afraid to let myself go near them until now. Alice was silent.

_"__Am I losing her, too?"_ No matter what I chose, I lost.

Alice broke the stillness by wrapping me with cold, but loving arms.

"Don't worry about the wedding. I'll handle it. I'm so sorry I wasn't here for you before." Her embrace was welcomed and needed. No matter what happened after that, she was my sister.

"But, Bella," she stepped back to look me straight in my eyes," you have to speak to Edward before he hears anything from me." I understood that meant immediately, before he had the chance to read her thoughts. I could only nod my head in response as a chill swept over me.

As Alice turned to make her way out the door a question cried out in my head. "Alice! Wait," I bit my lip, suddenly nervous, but I had to know. "You said my future has been changing for months. So what do your visions show for me now?"

She didn't turn to look back at me. "I don't see anything anymore…your future changes to black." She hesitated before passing through the doorway and down the stairs to retrieve Edward.


	12. A Quick Note to My Readers

p style="text-align: left;"Thank you so much for your patience. I know this chapter took me a long time to finally post. For the last few months my whole life has flipped upside down with a break up, moving out, leaving my job, and starting all over. I tried getting back into the flow of writing, but my heart just wasn't into it. It's been difficult, but I want to get back to doing what makes me happy. So thank you for waiting for Chapter 10. I really hope you all enjoy if. If you could, please write me any kind of review, I'd love to know how I'm doing and how you all feel about this story./p  
p style="text-align: left;"Thank you all again for reading./p 


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